i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
