A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
