Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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