It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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