not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sober January is a disaster.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
