oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
