Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
