why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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