Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
