btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
