dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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