Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
