If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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