hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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