I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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