I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
