I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
