swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
