It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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