Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
