Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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