My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
third nipple confirmed
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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