even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Randomize
