we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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