I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
