Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
