Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
