Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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