So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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