College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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