she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just invented taco cereal.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
