Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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