I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
