In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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