I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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