her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
