My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
