It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
