I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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