We named our party play list daddy issues
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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