help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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