And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just invented taco cereal.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
