Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
