the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
