i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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