Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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