I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
