I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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