grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
