right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
