Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
